I’m almost there..
Survival mode is the only mode I’ve known for three months. Without running, I would be able to say that there has been no consistency in my life. I haven’t been home more than to sleep, haven’t cooked a meal, haven’t been true to myself. I’ve been running around a lot. I’ve done a lot of avoiding. Finally, a few weeks ago, I started coming home more often. I finally went grocery shopping for the first time in three months two days ago, and have stopped spending money on food except for coffee. (I will never give up my coffee addiction. EVER.)
I am feeling grounded for the first time in a very long time. Grounded as in-> having two feet on the ground and able to dictate which direction I want to go. And going that way!
I’m caught between trying to stay true to myself and trying to adapt to a lifestyle I have come to terms with never ever identifying myself with EVER. I am not your typical 21 year old female, single college student. I refuse to be. I lived that lifestyle for a few months. I’m happy I lived it, experienced that madness, and have since promised myself to never ever live that way consistently. I will never be okay with what the “bar world” has to offer. I will never be a part of the lifestyle.
To be totally and completely honest, I am not boring. I feared a sense of failure, failure if I didn’t go, didn’t drink, didn’t get all dressed up. I honestly still cannot apply make up by myself. I jumped into a college culture that totally sucks, well, it’s really really fun but really unrewarding, and no one else is waking up to run 13 miles the next day. No one. I realized that I really cannot do it all. AH, and THAT is very refreshing. Thank God I can’t do it all, because that means I don’t have to.
I want to run forever in the mountains. I want to read incredible novels and write pages about the past, about the future, about now. I want to figure things out. I want to take life one day at a time and get excited about what this world has to offer.
I race tomorrow. I haven’t been feeling great at all. I have awful morning runs and very fast runs in the afternoon. I’m either running 8:15 pace of 7:15 pace.. there is very little in between.
I’m supposed to race the 5k under the lights at Vassar. I’ve got some competition. I am.. not in the most stable and best of places right now. I haven’t been for a while. A lot of me wanted to skip it, stay far away from racing until I find myself again and get my confidence back. My body is probably there but my heart and my mind are elsewhere. I have been trying so hard to get everything on the same page and have come to terms with the fact that things are not together. I’m okay with not being together. I’ve had two very mentally damaging races the past few weeks because there is no fire in me. I have no inner el tigre right now. But I do, it’s always there, the fire is always there.. I just need to calm the storm inside of my mind and let it all go on the track tomorrow. I train to race, and for the love of running. I will pull it together. The girls are all coming to support me and so is my family. One more shot at the 5k! Wish me luck!
